God doesn’t give up on loving imperfect people and neither should we. No matter how difficult it may seem you can save a relationship after a fight you have to take accountability for how you contributed to the conflict, learn to be patient with people, and learn to accept people just the way you found them.
A Good support system
A good friend of mine has been married for over 15 years. She and her husband were both virgins before marriage and pretty much have done everything right as it pertains to their marriage. However, they still had conflicts in their marriage. So much so that they had a phase where they were considering calling it quits. What stopped them from ending their marriage was their support system. They had family and friends that were for their marriage, so they were encouraged to work on their marriage. The Bible says “Where there is no counsel, the people fall; But in the multitude of counselors there is safety. -Proverbs 11:14 NKJV”. So in order to save a relationship or to keep a relationship going strong your support system needs to be intact. You need people who are in agreement with your two being together. My friend was able to save her marriage because of her support system, however, I know of a marriage where the family was against the couple being married and actually supported things like cheating during the relationship and the marriage obviously did not last.
Independence
If we need a person to survive, we will not be able to resolve conflict in the relationship because dependency on a relationship will keep you from being honest with yourself and the relationship. The deep fear of being alone prevents a person from making sound decisions. For example, she’s afraid to speak up for what she really wants because she’s afraid he may leave her and she doesn’t like being alone. Or he’s taking care of her financially so she looks the other way as he flirts with other women. A healthy relationship consists of two people who are independent meaning they both have their own friends and own life and interests outside of the relationship. Independence outside of the relationship helps with conflict because good support gives you the courage to stand up for what you know is right without being afraid of losing love. It also gives you the confidence to speak up which forces another person to grow up. The opposite is also true. Allowing a person to get away with irresponsible behavior, disrespect, or carelessness prevents a person from maturing. So, while you may think it’s the nice or “Godly” thing to do, you actually become part of the problem by not confronting the person on their behavior. …If you rescue a person in their folly you’ll have to do it again. Proverbs 19:19 (emphasis mine)
Deal with your own weaknesses
Examine the ways you are a part of the problem. Give up the façade of the perfect family and learn to open up to your support for help. For me in relationships I had boundaries & I knew what to do but the fear of losing love was greater than the stance I had in protecting myself from being mistreated. Discerning wrong & how to handle conflict was my struggle. I learned that good conflict resolution is to present my problem to a person, forgive them for their sins against me, and depending on the severity of the conflict, if I feel they understand me, and there is a genuine expression of repentance then reconcile.
Accept the Reality of the person
Accept & grieve your expectations of the person. God gave up the idea of having a relationship with perfect people. Learn to love others as you found them, this is genuine love. If you are in a relationship with a person and you are constantly thinking of ways you wish they were better or did things differently, or looked different, then there is a really good chance you are with the wrong person. If who they are isn’t conflicting with your values, or the standards you have for yourself, and your life then learn to love the person just as they are. Give up the expectation of the person being exactly what you want, this is a personal preference if it isn’t hurting you. Make sure your own expectations & demands aren’t causing you to pull out others’ imperfections.
Give change a chance
Boundaries are not real boundaries without exercising them in a relationship. Learn how to be in a relationship & not be controlled or abused by a person by enforcing your boundaries. True character is tested in the fire. Losing friends, losing relationships, losing money, confrontation, failing. Understand that when one person changes the relationship changes. A difficult relationship can change by having one person’s character change force change in the other. Before you decide to end a relationship implement changes in your own character then see how the relationship stands.
Be long-suffering
Understand that the healthiest relationships require work. God does not give up on relationships easily and neither should you. He goes the extra mile with difficult people who are important to him to work it out and we should do the same. Its nothing wrong with fighting for love, it’s fighting for someone to love you that is the problem. If you both love each other and it’s clear this is true then attack the problem and not each other.
Reference
Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (2016). Safe People . Zondervan.
